the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
Randomize
