I would fuck her until my dick fell off. then i would fuck her with your dick.
Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
It's a weird kind of sexy when a guy has a bunkbed with his roommate
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