Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
I guess the study abroad went badly, I gave him a joint and he just smoked it and cried all the way from the airport
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
We did it to 80's cardio music. Talk about a workout.
I expect you will be there for a drunken 3way with my husband again this new year.
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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