Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
My only expectation is honesty. And three orgasms every time.
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
i'm sad to say... seems like women around here set up their armageddon booty calls ahead of time. wanna fill all these condoms with tequila and head downtown???
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
Randomize
