clay aiken is like melissa ehteridge without the guitar.
soooo.. i guess the cop said he'd drop the charges if i go to some AA meetings and i said fuck AA. not one of my better choices.
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
Dude I had my dad cock block me once
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