you can still come hang out if you want
I really don't feel like watching you play video games
i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
I just want to know who nailed the chicken nugget to the door.
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
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