I'm gonna have a badass scar
I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
We made out and he didn't grope me. I liked it. I felt like I was innocent again.
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
Randomize
