Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
she says it's "been amazing lately"
i think basically because i hate her so much i'm trying to break her in half
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
i guess when we were done i grunted "unforgiveable" and walked out.
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
Randomize
