Don't worry, there is no such thing as a fat, old or ugly blow job.
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
Randomize
