I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
She said she didn't think she should have to shave either. Guess no shave November just became no sex November.
after the first, "yea you like that baby", i quickly remembered why i had stopped having sex with him.
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
Randomize
