FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
Randomize
