She has HUUUUUUUGE nipples
The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
He's nice but I'm a one bouncer kind of girl
I think I may have walked up to her while she was with her friends and asked for a "do over".
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
