so howd the 'mom i only play with condoms' conversation go?
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
My vagina bone hurts from grinding on that dude so hard.
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
Randomize
