Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
Keep in mind this was 2012... YOLO was a very new concept.
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