how do you clear previous safari searches on an iPhone? i asked my brother to google something for me and "big penis" "empire chinese food" and "reverse cowgirl" popped up.
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
Randomize
