just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
sex on the roof is not as easy as it sounds
Finished the final in under ten minutes and then puked in the bushes outside. I don't even care if I graduate anymore.
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
Well five day drinking adventure in appreciation of cinco de drinko under the belt, great way to start may
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
Beer and Reeses. dinner of champions
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
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