I haven't seen him in over a year. He asked me to his prom over myspace. Is he fucking serious?
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
Wanna know what sucks. Banging the bosses daughter at work and having the boss walk in while you are fucking on his desk. Good day though. Made 6 sales
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
I just woke up butt-naked in bed with a guy I've never seen..I reached into my bag next to the bed to get my phone and found a bag of shrooms, a handle of vodka, and 600 dollars that I've never seen. what do I do
enjoy it.
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
Randomize
