Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
I am actually offended he hasn't asked me to sleep with him yet to get better grades...I wanted the whole college experience.
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
Randomize
