As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
All I know is that it's pretty damn mean to put a glass wall in a bar.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
I'm still high with raccoon eyeliner eyes and chocolate all over my face and chest, clutching a mug of wine. Happy graduation.
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
Randomize
