Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
Absolutely. I could drink and smoke that memory away in a matter of years at my current rate.
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
Randomize
