I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
FONT CPME TO THE TRUK. I REPATE SONT COME TO THE TRUCK WERE GETTON FRAEKY
She was touching herself and looking a shoes online. My debt is bad enough without bringing that hot mess into my life.
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
Randomize
