and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
its so sad we are done celebrating 21st bdays everytime one of us turned 21 everyone else got laid
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
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