I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
At some point we were all eating banana flavored rolling papers.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
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