I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
I either have a problem or a really good solution... I just ordered my homecoming dress off of a website that sells forplay outfits.
Randomize
