you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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