I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
I'm just gonna go with where the wind takes me. if it takes me to his dick, so be it.
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
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