What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
nah, its part of my diet to keep track of the servings of everything i put into my body
how many servings is brandon's dick?
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
Randomize
