What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
I'd hate to be 100% hetero. Pretty sure they have less orgies
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
We broke my graduation cords last night when we used them to tie each other up during sex last night
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
Randomize
