I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
i barfeds in our rink
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
Stripperoke is exactly what it sounds...
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
Randomize
