Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
The last thing I remember is pushing my way into the bathroom and dumping a 40 on him. We havent talked since.
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
Ive got small boobs, but they sure do like to pop out and party with the big dogs.
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
Randomize
