Jack off faster Americas best dance crew is beyonce themed
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
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