My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
It was beyond pathetic. You yelled her name at every blonde chick we saw hoping it would be her. Then you puked your corn dog
30+ People Share Their Worst ‘Intimate Experience’ And They’re Traumatizing
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
25 Shocking High School Scandals You Won’t Believe Are True
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease