I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
I haven't been this sober since birth.
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
he is a creepy guy.
yea thats what heroine does to ppl.
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
We just took shots out of seashells. Welcome spring break 10.
considering how much of last night I don't remember and the amount of ones laying on my desk right now, it's safe to say I'm concerned
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
Randomize
