after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
He just said "wow, thats some rly nice hair! And those teeth..thosee are some cool teeth"
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
Randomize
