i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
yea. Don't mess. He will heal me. But my blowjobs will be historical.
I had this image of some guy in a taco truck down by the IMA accosting you for a peep show.
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
We could have fun in a cardboard box. Think of the damage we could do at an amusement park!
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
Randomize
