you guys were way drunker than both of me
dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
summer is not the time to consider going full bush.
he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
Randomize
