She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
It's sad that the best source of heat that I have is my vaporizer.
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
Desperately trying not to throw up over the side of the ferry back to CT. Can't be the first one of the season.
Please find an outlet that isn't stripping or getting drunk and arrested
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
At leat we can cross off 'having sex in a classroom' on our bucket list.
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
Randomize
