I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
I'm in the dining hall. that same guy is here again, the one who sits alone and talks to his silverware.
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
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