a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
Im in your car brotha dog. Its was unlocked, so im gonna sleep in it. well i mean i think its your car be your car.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
For real his Facebook page says he studied "sexual arts" at some random college I've never heard of. You've been warned.
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