No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
idk if ive ever seen a picture of him on facebook with his pants on
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
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