Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
And my dad told him he was a great looking guy. and then added "no homo" after.
Yeah I'm pretty much like lane on gilmore girls except my mom doesn't look so mean all the time.
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
I don't know how it started but we all ended up shirtless andI was covered in crawfish and wearing a sombrero.
Randomize
