how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Btw. Made out with a random kid at a frat. It's all good though. He invited us to his frat party tomorrow so yay! For having plans!
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
Unless you want to see me masturbate, I think skype is a no go for now.
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