The Worst (noun)- 1. Getting up at 6am after a night of drinking. 2. Wearing a Peter Rabbit costume.
i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
Proposition. Sex. No words, no talking about it later. I just want you tonight.
he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
he has been on a 2 week bender, has been homeless for a week and a half, and leaves for madagascar in 2 days. Do we worry or is that normal?
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
Drunk is a universal language darling
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