My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
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