Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
I really want to lead this Amish guy into temptation
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
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