He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
no one could get around him on the stairs cause he surrounded himself with all the empties he could find, he said he was building a fort. then he passed out on them.
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
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