Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
I feel choking has become trendy-- ita losing its effect. I may just have to go back to missionary to spice it up
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
I'm studying. And by studying I mean I am laying on my floor drinking boones farm alone. Last two weeks. Fuck it.
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
Randomize
