"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
what, no i told him that it wasnt nessesary to put all 5 fingers in my vagina
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
So, it's like build-a-bear for your vag?
All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
Randomize
