I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
fucked a girl in Bentley hall at ten tonight, came on the carpet and I plan on doing it in another building soon. Watch where you walk
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
I do remember that in my dream I wasn't impressed with his dick.
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
Randomize
