I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
he likes ron paul.... that's all i'm going to say....
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
I'm sorry for throwing the cheese everywhere, but it wasn't my fault. No one was enforcing disipline so not really my fault for not behaving
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
Randomize
