I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
my shit smells like andre
we found him. outside on the balcony, sitting on a bucket, with his pants off, swearing he was'nt taking a dump
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
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