I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
well we could tame deer to let us ride on them. does that work?
its time for step 4 of getting over him: post his number on the transvestite page on craigs list asking for pics
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
I've done nothing but whore my gay ex bf out for the past 48 hours. It's getting weird.
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
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