Who said anything about talking that was a booty call
He introduced her to the DMA meeting by saying: in the past few years i've never seen someone work so hard for so little success
he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
I'd probably lick every tooth in Carly Rae Jepson's fucking mouth.
Teen Choice Awards are on if your wondering.
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
Randomize
