i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
We made out and he didn't grope me. I liked it. I felt like I was innocent again.
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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