Don't come here someone got drunk and rolled the keg to buger king. no more beeer
So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
She is singing the swedish chef song and throwing utensils. I love this place
This guys mom bought us a 24 pack and drove me and 8 others to a frat house... Hello moms weekend.
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
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