Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
I was to tired to jerk him off, so he made me hold it while he thrusted into my hand.
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
Google imaged your anal issues. Seems fuckable still.
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
Randomize
