I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
There are rocks in my bed. And dirt all over my face. Explain?
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
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